Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
