I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
