What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
