if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
it glows. i had to have it.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
