I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
