That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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