There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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