well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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