I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
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Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
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Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife