I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
