I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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