after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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