Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
