I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
foreskin is a definite game changer
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
