My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
