Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
