you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
