I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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