I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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