his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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