i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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