just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
