there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
