I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
