He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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