Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
It's shark week go big or go home
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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