I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
