Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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