I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I AM VODKA MAN
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
