I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
