So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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