i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
