he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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