hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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