clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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