I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
