youre lurking in front of me
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
