I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
