Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
