I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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