i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
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