he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
