Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
