i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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