sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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