i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Randomize
