my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
