So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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