So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
