so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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