So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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