I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
