when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
