picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Randomize
