I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
you inspire me to be a worse person
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
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