i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
