Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
