I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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