community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
